The Dark Queens

 

I’ve started gorging on food,

To full and beyond.

Eat and stuff, eat and stuff.

Chicken and bread and cheese and peanut butter.

Seeking to fill the void.

 

But not just the void, the Other.

 

Going back to the refrigerator again and again.

Devouring seconds and thirds.

Shoveling mouthfuls of rice while I stand at the sink.

It hurts and still I eat.

 

It is not loneliness that hungers.  It is not even grief.

I have grown oddly comfortable with grief.

I know what it feels like to sink to my knees and sob.

To give in to the flood of tears.

But this feeding of the void is something else.

 

What flesh and blood and muscle and sinew must I give you

To appease this hunger?

 

Listen and you will learn, my Dear.

 

It lurks in the shadows, this.

In the deep dark shadows, this.

No candle burns here, no sweet light.

This is not for white lace hankies and delicate tears.

 

You are chained in the darkness

Buried beneath the grief.

Hunger, you are here.

My Dark Queens, you are here.

 

Anguish. Fury. Rage. Impotence. Guilt.

 

What do you need to be set free?

How do I howl you free?

 

Feed us. They cry.

See us. They beg.

Bring us into the light! They roar.

 

In the safety of the circle I surrender.

Open the doors to the dark dungeon.

Let them rise up in me.

 

Kali swings her sword and chops off heads.

With sharp teeth and sharper claws

She rages and screams

As she fills the dark skies with her fury.

 

Bent back, twisted legs, hooked fingers, gargoyle face.

Grunts and howls and moans as my Queens blaze up,

Roaring through me, a wildfire.

 

At the injustice.

At the fucked-up surgeon

Who should have known better.

 

At the I’m sorry’s that don’t bring him back.

At the I’m so very sorry’s that don’t bring him back.

 

At the years ripped from us.

 

Eventually the music slows, my body stills,

The Dark Queens ease back into the darkness.

They are quiet now, at peace.

For a while at least.

The cravings have eased.

For a while at least.

 

In the last lingering notes of the song I hear…

 

Remember us.

Accept us.

Love us.

 

Then the door closes once more.

 

#grief, #loss, #widow

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Linda Endler September 11, 2017 at 9:25 pm - Reply

    Marianne-
    I am in awe of your writing, your giving, your sharing, your courage.

    XoLinda

    • Marianne Simon September 11, 2017 at 9:32 pm - Reply

      Thank you so much for that Linda. Giving voice to these darkest feelings is helping me navigate these rough waters.

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